The B-Side of My Mind

My baby nephew, Joshua With Kimberly With Kimberly and Elsa.. we were on a short road trip :)

My sister finally gave birth on the 14th of October 2010. Introducing the new clan of the family: Joshua Jaden. (2 weeks old) Ain't he adorable? :)

On the way back from my cousin's engagement party just now, the question "why cant that happen to me" keeps on asking in my head. I come to realize that im always the girl who "could've-been-the-one" in a relationship. Im always the 2nd choice and never the 1st - it makes me feel like im never good enough and sometimes i believe i am not good enough for anyone or even myself. Dont get me wrong, i wish all the guys who picked the other girl instead of me all the happiness in the world since some of them have gotten married with kids now. We all still remain good friends and when i see them i cant help to think that that couldve been me. It's easy for people to say "dont worry your time will come.. just be patient" I mean it's easy to say for them because it isnt them who is going through the heartaches over and over again. It's sickening, plus it has lowered my self-esteem over time and it caused me to be depressed. The hardest thing t...

Since Valentine's Day is coming up, i've been thinking yesterday morning during breakfast (my breakfast lasted an hour as a result of much thinking) and i realize, this is the first time in years where i don't have any boyfriend or crushes to look forward to being brought out, get presents.. the works. And you know what? i dont feel left out or anything, infact i never felt better. Maybe im just out of love? could be. At this moment, i dont have any crushes towards anyone. Im not changing preference, im still attracted to guys very much. i l ove guys. I just am not attracted to any guy at the moment. Ok, there may be times when i feel lonely but I don't want my life to be defined by a man. I want to stand on my two feet. Im not trying to deliver the message that i don't need a man in my life coz I do need a man but i dont want to depend everything on him. I don't want to wake up one day and realize that im no good without him. Saying the above, you might ask w...

Dialah pujaan dalam mimpi Yang senantiasa membuai hati Tiap kali bersua ku hanya mampu senyum padanya Terdiam... Sekian lama ku mencuba Tak kulafazkan perasaan Berkubur saja namun dia kucinta Apa yang harus aku lakukan Agar dia pun mengerti Adanya cinta menanti Oh sekian lama Aku mencintai dia Sukarnya membutir kata-kata Menilai apa yang aku rasa Tiap kali ku cuba Lidah kelu dari bersuara Ku berserah Those who know me knows i do not listen to malay song. Ive got nothing againts malay songs, just not my taste la..aiseh ada taste-taste suda la kunun hehe. Anyhoo, while i was chatting and surfing on a saturday nite i put my mp3 player on shuffled and i came upon this song: Siti Nurhaliza - Sekian Lama . I didnt even know i got this song hahahaha. You know what, this song is actually good. no, make that VERY GOOD! and its been on repeat mode for an hour already. The lyrics were penned very well.. It's like they wrote this song based on my love story. yes, i may be brave to sing and po...

There's a right or wrong to know for everything And the truth is somewhere written in between But there's always something missing in the dark There you'll find the true condition of the heart Well, I can visualize the pieces of a dream, And it's not as far away as it may seem But if truth be told, it is you that holds the key To the question that defines my destiny I've been in love, a time or two I've seen the world, when i'm with you I wanna fly and spread my wings I don't wanna cry, I wanna sing I wanna live and take a chance I'm not afraid to love again I wanna fall, fall for you And I want you to fall for me too I've had plenty conversations with my heart Coz I want this thing to work, not fall apart So, I ask my heart how it can be so sure And it answers me because your heart is pure I have every expectation that is true Coz my heart won't lie to me, much less to you But if truth be told, it is you that holds the key To the future that...

I am not choosy nor demanding when it comes to what i want in a guy... If you've found the guy with all the matching characteristics above, do contact me! hehehe.. In the meantime, let me just stay in love with Piolo Pascual :-D What a dream boat he is *sigh*

Okay, so there's this boy who i have a crush on, and im more than sure he had one for me too. how i know? well, you know lahh.. But i dont know why, things didnt really turned out the way i planned out. I feel like ive been left out of the door, and now i sense he's like, keeping his distance from me. At first i thought maybe he's just busy or something, but after a few days..i mean, come on..it doesnt take a scientist to understand the drill right? This has been a while and i think now, im just holding on to his words. ain't that silly? so for the weekend, ive been doing some thinking, and i came to a conclusion that me, waiting for him is like, waiting for a snow down in Malaysia. i mean, the signs are everywhere..im just in denial. but no more, i repeat.. NO MORE. coz time waits for no woman. Ive got other things to focus on right now so im letting go of that possibility. Hmm.. i do make alot of 'letting go's' dont i? hehehe.. anyway, this song is for ...

Just now, while someone was having a conversation with me i unintentionally spaced out. I know, how rude of me ;-P the conversation wasnt boring me out or anything, he (the person that i was having a conversation with) was telling me of how nice his last vacation was. Usually, i would be all ears but i dunno, i just wasnt my usual self. maybe its because of the excessive baking i had today hahaha. i made 21 muffins today! AND a loaf of bread. But im not going to talk about it in this post..maybe in the next post. Anyways, like i said, i wasnt being my usual self. I should be having a great time this week, and i was until one thought of someone crossed my mind and made me reminisce the good old times we had. It made me wonder what's he doing now? does he ever think of me?..then i felt silly thinking that way. Its as if reality came and gave me a good knocking on the head. I kinda miss him. Again, yea i know i sound silly saying this.. but i cant help it. although we're not that ...

Today i didnt went to the doctor! ahahaha. I was so scared last night about my condition, as soon as my brother went online i buzzed him and told him my story. See, my brother is an aspired doctor..he's finishing this June so he should know these stuffs. After telling him my story, he asked me a bunch of question and at one point i asked him back "Cancer ka ni?" (Is it cancer?) and he said "tidaklah.. buli tau ba kalu cancer" (No..we can know if its cancer") After an hour or so of 'free-consultation' i was a bit relieved. Ok, you guys must be wondering what am i sick of. Well, according to my soon-to-be-doctor brother, i had an allergy outbreak :-D I wont be spilling any details on how sick i was all because of a hair tonic ive been using because i find it so unpleasant. Actually, i DID went to see the doctor but not for me lah . Dad told me to keep my grandma company at the clinic. I was surprise to see the doctor. I mean, he's so young! i t...

ANTM is back ya'll! and it is bitchier than ever. I know for a fact that we are one cycle behind what the good people of America is watching. But since we're in Malaysia..just make the best of it lah . Although there is a little thing called "downloading" i am just lazy ( pemalas negara , to be correct, kan Angel? LOL) to download them. I am currently downloading the movie, Juno . Ive seen the BTS (Behind The Scene) on E! and i think Ellen Page is spectacular! ++++++++++++++++++++++ On another note, i have finally decided to move on. I know my past posts were like, so emo, sad and stuff but i have made some SERIOUS thinking and i reeeeeaaaallllyyy think its time for me to move on with life. Whats the point of being mopey about one guy when the guy just doesnt give a hoot about u? ok, maybe he does think of me once in a while in his spare time, and probably in his little mind and deeeeeeeeeep down in his heart care for me? I dont know..and to be honest, i just dont ...

It's three in the morning You're nowhere in sight And all that I wanted was To be with you Tonight I've watched love get closer And then fade away I've seen you believe in me I've seen you trying to stay But what good is holding on When you know That all you can think about Is letting go They say if you love someone Then set them free If they come back again Then in the end It was meant to be I thought we were lovers I thought we were friends I guess when reality Steps in The dreaming ends We live for the future We learn from the past No matter how hard we try Some good things never last All you can think about Is letting go Be true to yourself my love That's all I ever wanted you to be Just don't forget to smile When you think of me I'll reach for the stars I have got them in sight There's someone who really needs me Out there in the night We'll live for the future We'll learn form the past No matter how hard we try Some good things n...

All the best Things in life are not meant to last ..things change and so do people..you can never hold on to something forever so learn to love and let go I once thought that being LOVE was the best feeling in the world. but then i learned that the best feeling is being in LOVE with the right person.. so..don't rush.. be sure! LOVE has its times, season and own reasons! you cant ask it to stay, you can only embrace it as it comes and be glad that for a moment in your life it was yours. LOVE can make you happy but often times it hurts, but LOVE is only special when you give it to whom its worth It is wrong for me to say that "I CANT LIVE WITHOUT YOU" coz i had libe my life before i knew you.. so instead of saying that i'd rather tell you this: "I WOULDNT HAVE A BETTER LIFE WITH YOU BY MY SIDE" I dont wanna put in my mind that someday i would have to see you walking away from me..but before it happens, i just wanna clarify something..you may go but i have...

I so love this song! ...maybe coz i can relate so much to it ;-P i did my best to make u see just how special we can really be all i know this love i feel for you i got to hold on... im holding on what must it take till u could give more than just a part of what you leave dont u turn away from love thats true to you always been true to you please be fair coz deep inside you care now's the time for us to share coz what we have is no temporary love affair thats here today and gone tomorrow we'be got a love that you may never ever find i cant go for a temporary love affair a temporary love how long must you keep running hiding what you truly feel inside i cant hold on forever if its all over, let me know coz i cant go for a temporary love affair thats here today and gone tomorrow im not the kind of girl you just can leave behind i cant go for no temporary love a temporary love cant hold on forever not today, not tomorrow, not ever no temporary love

For some people a new year means starting fresh. But for me, i dont want to have a new beginning, to start fresh. Im at peace at what i have at the moment and to start fresh will mean forgetting the past. I dont want to forget the past for it had made me what i am today. So i'll say this new year, 2008 is a continuum of a journey im taking.. journey to where? i dont know hehehe. I just finished talking to an ex of mine on the phone and i think it was the best conversation we ever had. It has been almost five years since we've broken up and all and i must say to get to this point where i feel nothing but just friendly feelings towards him takes alot of time. So K, if you're reading this im sorry for all the bad things ive said & done towards you to hurt your feelings. Im glad that we're still friends. Sorry for not mentioning this just now on the phone hahaha! Lupa baa.. Although today was a bit dull for me, basically stayed at home watch tv, went out only to accompa...

..especially him :( text me quickly, will ya? XOXO, Pammie

Last sunday, i attended 2 weddings in 1 day. Met LOADS of people and they mostly asked me "bah, ko bila kawin?" (So, when are you getting married?) or "Sepa boyfriend ko? ada suda ka?" (who's your boyfriend? do u have one yet?). Hmmn, dont they have like anything else to ask like 'how r u'? i just stood there & giggle like a little school girl. When i didnt give them any answer, they proceeded to asked my mom. Oh please people! stop with it already. Am i like some kind of freak for being single? Luckily a pastor came and save the day by saying "jangan susah, when the time is right, the right man will come along" Amen to that! What a coincidence, while typing this entry this song by Jinky Vidal called Somebody came up on my ipod: I want somebody to share Share the rest of my life Share my innermost thoughts Know my intimate details Someone who'll stand by my side And give me support And in return He'll get my support He will listen...

After dinner, i was startled when my mom suddenly, out of no where asked me about this one guy who ive had a crush on before. He knows ive been crushing on him but i dunno, its like every word i say to him keeps falling to the ground. For every question asked, i mostly answered "dunno" coz i was just too malas to answer things related to him. sakit hati, eh! Lets change the subject, shall we? Yesterday ive been having some computer problems. I installed the Bitdefender total security antivirus on my pc but i didnt like it. I find it 'unfriendly' so i decided to uninstall it..but it wasnt following my command as usual. then i discovered that i also couldnt open my internet explorer and my ym, couldnt double click an icon, and it jammed the pc. I never experienced this kind of problem before..*wondering* dunno whether it was a virus or technical malfunction of the computer. So i came to a decision to format my computer (C:). I spent like, an hour or so just calling, an...

I watched The Lake House just now and it made me remember just how much i love the movie. I was strangely quite through out the movie..I was concentrating on the characters, the actors (oooh, keanu reeves *drooollls*) basically the whole movie coz i didnt really concentrate when i saw it the 1st time and end up a little bit confused. During movies i usually will be the noisy one where people likes telling to shut up hehe. *siiiiigggghhhhhh* the movie is sooo romantic!! When it ended, It made me want to have a boyfriend right there and now mwahahaha. The movie made me think. See, ive always said to people that its not that i enjoy being all by myself, its just that the right person havent come crossing my way yet, so i wait... and it finally hit me just now. Like a brick falling down on my head : What if there isn't such thing as the right one ? What if ive thrown away precious time waiting for some fairytale-make-believe-happy-ending where my knight and shining armor finally come...